We Watch ... So You Don't Have To
We Watch ... So You Don't Have To
By Lisa de Moraes
Wednesday, May 10, 2006; C01
Goin' to Graceland Night on "American Idol."
The four remaining Idolettes travel to Elvis shrine and are greeted by Priscilla Presley, the ex-wife with the frighteningly repurposed face, and Tommy Mottola, who will coach them on how to sing Elvis songs because Elvis inspired him to get into the music industry, we're told.
Unbeknown to the Idolettes, show judges Huey, Dewey and Screwy have, in a complete reversal of policy, decided it's Katharine McPhee's week to get the boot and Elliott Yamin must survive.
Dressed in a red-striped zoot suit, Taylor Hicks gives a family cruise ship dinner entertainment rendition of "Jailhouse Rock" while doing his trademark crouching singer, hidden wacko moves.
Judges Huey and Screwy love it; Dewey says in the "real world" it was a terrible Elvis Impersonation and Karaoke with a capital K. Screwy gets all in his face and Dewey tells her "Shut up!" Show host Ryan Seacrest, who now looks like the love child of Tony Randall and Louis Jourdan, laughs at Dewey for claiming he has any idea what the "real world" is. This from the guy who dated Teri Hatcher for one day.
Chris Daughtry, acting all cool and arrogant, confides to Ryan that he gets lots of junk food and cologne and belt buckles from his zillions of fans with club names like the Chris-aholics and then tells the 30 million or so viewers that there is a "debate going on with all my fans" and "the answer is boxer briefs." Ryan is as repulsed as we are. Chris then sings "Suspicious Minds," which is possibly the worst Elvis song ever. He remembers to yank off his shades for the final notes so he can send his death-ray stare to the Chris-aholics at home.
Huey doesn't love it. Screwy, hypnotized by his death-ray eyes, says she'd forgotten how great the song was until he sang it. Dewey likes it, apart from the sunglasses. And Ryan teaches Chris that the word for boxer briefs is "hybrids."
Elliott gives another solid performance with "If I Could Dream." Huey pronounces it "hot." Screwy, fighting tears, calls it his best vocal performance this season. Dewey compliments Elliott on picking a non-cheesy Elvis song and agrees it's the night's best performance.
Katharine gives a desperate manic performance of "Hound Dog" and "All Shook Up" mashed together, doing her usual spastic jumping and leg kicking up behind her. Huey has no love for it. Screwy, so full of love after Elliott's performance, says the choreography was great, even though she, Screwy, used to be a choreographer of some note and knows better, at least when she's having a sane episode. Dewey calls it a desperate manic audition, like we said.
Round 2:
In an act of kindness to the millions of viewers at home, Mottola tells Taylor to knock off the crouching singer, hidden wacko thing and just sing his next song, "In the Ghetto." Amazingly, Taylor listens. Huey calls it hot and says to include the song in his first record. As if. Screwy says it shows he is well rounded. Dewey says he's just sung his way into the semi-finals. Hello, people -- it's "In the Ghetto"!
Chris goes low-key for "Little Less Conversation" until the end, when he starts doing his screaming-rocker thing, which Huey says saves it. We're done with Huey in this competition. Screwy adores it, and Chris. Dewey calls it flat, until the screaming part. Chris, like the true rocker star he already is, blows them off, saying he is being "true to Elvis." Apparently he missed Elvis in his "Clambake" days.
Elliott aces "Trouble," which Huey calls his best performance ever. Screwy, who'd been dancing like a top during the song, says she'd changed her mind and this was his best performance ever. Dewey gushes that Elliott came out fighting this week and "you deserve to go through to the next round" -- marking the first time Dewey has said two nice things to Elliott in a week.
Ryan says he feels obligated to give Screwy a dollar bill after her performance during Elliott's performance.
Dewey reprimands Ryan, saying "Don't be disrespectful" -- because telling a woman on national TV to "Shut up!" isn't disrespectful.
Katharine croons "Can't Help Falling in Love," only it is, as Dewey says, like apple pie with a gallon of cream on it. That's bad, by the way. But her blue two-piece outfit exposes her belly, so she wins.
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