One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" T

Oldie but a Goodie...

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?" The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!" "Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?" "Sure," the man said, "I love to drink." "Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!" The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
"You a smoker?" the demon asked. "You better believe it!" "You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?" "Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!" The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble." "Why yes, as a matter of fact I do." "Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?" The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . ." "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!"
"Wow," the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!" The demon said, "You gay?" "No." "Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!"

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

New policy

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, "Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment.

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony
and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to
the ground.

But wouldn't you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn't die. This ticked me off even more.

In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my
hands on to throw at him.

Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged
it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It
plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announced, "OK, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel's surprise, it was
Donald Trump.

"Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

Trump said, "No problem. But you're not going to believe this. I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been
under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I
guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the
side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony
below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his
apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell.
I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn't
die right away.

As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in
excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off
the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me
instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. "I
could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the
Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost
too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the
Angel's head. Finally he says, "Mr. President, please tell me what it was
like the day you died."

Clinton says, "OK, picture this. I'm naked, inside a refrigerator

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

Hi Dennis

Those were great - keep'em coming.

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

I'm leaving the office at noon to watch another "oldie but goodie" 40 year old Greg Maddox pitch today at Wrigley...you guys play amongst your selves...

BTW, the WW site is SMOKIN' today!

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

I love those Heaven & Hell stories, here's another oldie

Three guys die in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St.Peter says, "We only have one rule in heaven. Don't step on the Ducks!" So they enter heaven and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one. Along comes St Peter with the ugliest woman he ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly woman.

The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as the first guy. The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any duck.

One day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he had ever laid eyes on a very tall, tanned, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The guy remarks, "wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all eternity? She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

Nothing like a good duck joke, but why, oh why are the gorgeous girls always blonds;-)

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

My wife is (currently) a brunette and is even more gorgeous than when she was a blonde...which she'll probably switch to this summer for a spell...it all works for me!

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

Nothing like a good duck joke, but why, oh why are the gorgeous girls always blonds;-)

Click to expand...

play with blondes....marry brunetes

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

...one track minds?...

Hold that thought, but be careful what you wish for...


A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks "What's in the bag?"

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish .. Each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it!!" says the man, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

Nothing like a good duck joke, but why, oh why are the gorgeous girls always blonds;-)

Click to expand...

play with blondes....marry brunetes

Click to expand...

But how do you know that the blond you are playing with is really a blond?

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

But how do you know that the blond you are playing with is really a blond?

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With the popularity of the Brazillian, it's getting harder to tell these days. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

Re: Oldie but a Goodie...

But how do you know that the blond you are playing with is really a blond?

Click to expand...

With the popularity of the Brazillian, it's getting harder to tell these days. Not that I'm complaining, mind you.

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Good answer but not what I was looking for. You can tell if the blond you are playing with is really a blond by the color of her......eyebrows.