One afternoon a wealthy banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.Disturbed, he ordered his driver to sto

thursday joke

One afternoon a wealthy banker was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the banker said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along", the banker replied.

Turning to the other man he stated, "You come with us also".

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me".

"Bring them all as well", the banker replied.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as this limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the banker and said "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you".

The banker replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high"

Re: thursday joke

This anecdote proves, bien sur, what people all over the world have always known to be true. That is, the grass is indeed greener elsewhere.

And taller.

Re: thursday joke

This anecdote proves, bien sur, what people all over the world have always known to be true. That is, the grass is indeed greener elsewhere.

And taller.

Click to expand...

And tastier?

Re: thursday joke

All too rarely, airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight
"safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are
some real examples that have been heard or reported:

OVERHEARD:

1. On a Southwest flight (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit
where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing,
when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"

2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew,
the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude
and I will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort
and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."

3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your
belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's
something we'd like to have.

4. "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane"

5. "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

6. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Ronald Reagan, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

7. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis,
a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

8. From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the
buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and,
if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in
public unsupervised."

9. "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your
face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one
small child, pick your favorite."

10. "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds,
but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."

11. "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of
an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with
our compliments."

12. "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

13. And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"

14. Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was
quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you
it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't
the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

15. Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain
was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the
Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo.
Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the
Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

16. Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."

17. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had
hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy
which required the first officer to stand at the door while the
Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our
airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time
looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a
smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sir, do
you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot.
"What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot
down? "

18. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt.
Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt
against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning
bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way
through the wreckage to the terminal."

19. Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."

20. Heard on a Southwest Airlines flight. "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you
wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and
if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

21. A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a
comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the
intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome
to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather
ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful
flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOD!" Silence followed, and
after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said,
"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I
was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of
hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger
in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

Re: thursday joke

Andy,

LOL!

I was flying AA into SXM one night many years ago in bad weather, and we'd already been circling the airport for thirty minutes waiting for the weather to clear enough to land. Finally we're making approach, flaps down, gear down, getting lower, and lower. Pilot comes on the intercom to tell us there's been bad weather but that it had finally cleared enough to land. Apparently, he left the intercom on accidentally, for the next we heard was the following exchange:

Pilot - Phil(co-pilot), can you see the runway?

Co-pilot - Man, I can't see sh%t!

Engines full throttle, gear up, and off we went like a rocket back up into the sky.

Re: thursday joke

We can add that to the list LOL.

Re: thursday joke

Well done. Thanks for the laughs.

Re: thursday joke

And before you get up in the air, you need to call the travel agent, who hears the most stupid questions:

1. I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

2. A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

3. I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make her look like the Stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response was "click".

4. A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

5. I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said, "But they look so close on the map."

6. Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

7. A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20 am and got into Chicago at 8:33 am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

8. A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while "I looked into it," (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

9. I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.

10. "A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

11. A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double-checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

12. A woman called to make reservations. "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York." The agent was at a loss for words Finally, the agent asked, "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Re: thursday joke

Bada Bing!!!!!!! Good work.