Walmart Application - This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to a Walmart store in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny -
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX: Not lately, but I'm looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice-President. But, seriously, whatever's available. If I were in a position to be picky, would I be applying here in the first place?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz severance package. If that's not possible, make me an offer and we can haggle.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 PM - monday, tuesday and thursday
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONIDTIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 POUNDS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be, "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be the winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, or so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no. On my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I am the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?
Oh, yes. Absolutely.